Drivel, tripe, rubbish and suchlike.

No, I am not finishing my saga. If you are desperate to know, you can read it yourself.

Coming up: The Real Story behind Fairy Tales

At the conclusion of the previous part, I had reviewed the neighborhood of the fifth circle of hell. Therefore, I continue from there.

We now continue to the city of Dis. This city houses all the lower circles. This seems ominous, but there may yet be possibilities therein. The sixth circle is for heretics, who are imprisoned in tombs of fire. This seems to have possibilities; I like heat. I am a creature of warmth. I take baths at temperatures others only dream of. However, the fact that it is a fiery tomb is a slight damper on this promising circle. I like to walk around and see the sights. If it were a fiery robe that I had to wear forever, for instance, this would be quite a suitable accommodation. However, although the housing seems promising, the fact that there is no getting away from it lowers it slightly in my estimation. However, I shall still consider this option.

The seventh circle, a three-part affair for violent people, is guarded by the Minotaur. This I like. A good security system is a must-have in neighborhoods everywhere. Once past the Minotaur, the circle is subdivided into 3 rings. The outer ring is for people who are violent against people and property. Their punishment is to be placed in a river of boiling blood, and those who have sinned more get to be buried deeper. This ring is also patrolled by centaurs. I am very impressed with the on-duty security, and the well-maintained hot spring is very impressive. The fact that it is a spring of blood is a little disheartening, but on the whole, this seems a pleasant enough little community.

The second ring is for people that have committed suicide as well as those who wasted all their money and ruined their life. This ring is a sharp contrast to the previous welcoming accommodations. The people who have committed suicide are turned into spiky bushes, and those who wasted all their worldly possessions have to run through the bushes and be eternally scratched by them while being chased by vicious dogs. In summary: No housing at all, no animal control, and no Weed-Whackers. This ring needs no further investigation.

The inner ring contains people who are violent against art, nature, and God. There is a great desert with fire raining from the sky. Those who are violent against God lie down on the sand, those who are violent against art sit on the sand, and those who are violent against nature wander about in groups. Even ignoring the fact that I am not eligible for this circle, this ring does not appeal at all. The risk of fire damage is too high, and there is no mention made of any shelter or housing. This ring, I think, we may leave without further ado.

The really intense circles of hell, I fear, must wait until later, when I have more time.

AotA signing off.

I was reading Dante’s Inferno, as my father has insisted that I must read more classic literature. He suggested many possible books, but I selected the Inferno because I wanted, among other things, to reserve my spot ahead of time, and thus reserve a nice bit of lakeside property, and perhaps even a swimming pool in the backyard.

Apparently, the first circle of hell is reserved for those who have not been baptized. I have no idea if I have been baptized or not, although I probably haven’t been. So, the first circle may, perhaps, be a good choice of abode. Also, it seems that there is a faint possibility of getting out of said circle after a while, so this seems a rather advantageous location. Still, I like to keep my options open, so I will consider the other circles as they come.

The second circle is for those who have been ruled by lust and libido. Apparently, they are continually blown about by strong winds. This circle does not appeal to me at all. Firstly, the last thing that I am ruled by is lust. On those days in which I get 3 hours of sleep, I am ready to swear that the thing does not exist at all. Of course, on those rare days when I actually get a sufficient amount of sleep, it is quite a different story, but I think we may safely discard this option. In addition, these strong winds seem to be indicators of frequent storms and suchlike, and tornados likely ravage the place. This is not a good spot to build a comfortable abode at all.

The third circle, the next stop on my journey, is for the gluttons of the world. As far as I can tell, they lie in mud being rained on, hailed on, and snowed on. As if this wasn’t irksome enough, they are also being consumed by a three-headed dog. This circle is no more promising than the last. I am not a glutton, although I enjoy good food and suchlike as much as anybody else, and the weather is nowhere near ideal. The rain might be all right, but from the given description, it seems to be acid rain filtered through a nuclear reactor. The hail and snow are right out. Therefore, let us cast this aside and head to the fourth circle.

Circle number four is for avaricious and greedy people, and they bash weights against each other. This seems, to me, more promising. I do not know if I am that greedy of a person, except when it concerns my personal funds, in which case there is no mercy. The noise might be troublesome from the neighbors, but it can be no worse than having roofers working on the house down the street. Pushing weights, after all, is quite good exercise and can build up the upper body strength. Circle number four is a definite possibility, although no mention of lakeside property is made.

The fifth circle is for those individuals filled with wrath. Their punishment is to fight with each other and rend each other to pieces. This circle seems to have possibilities, as I am rather wrathful at times, and I can generally hold my own in a decent fight. Also, they are indeed by the lake, although it is more of a mud hole, and this was my chief desire. This mud hole also holds within its depths the ranks of the depressed, as apparently they are sinful as well. They cannot speak, as they are continually being choked by the mud in their throats. This is a darker side of this circle, which previously seemed decent if a little rough. We also find people dripping with mud, who were arrogant in life and now have nothing to be proud of. I am ont This neighborhood is much more sinister than it appeared at first sight, and unless they start a Neighborhood Watch, I shall decline to reside here.

We get into the serious circles of hell…NEXT TIME!

Cue cheap suspense music.

AotA signing off.

As I cruised through my email, my spam box caught my attention. As of today, I have 584 emails in my spam box, having cleaned it out only a month before. I decided to take a judicious sampling of these emails, in case some vitally important information had been sandwiched between offers of free cars, free cell phones, free porn, and free spam.

The first email that caught my attention claimed, as far as I could tell with the atrocious spelling, that I had a 1 in 2 chance of winning a Playstation 3. Now, setting aside the fact that this is strictly opposed to every moral sense I have, or rather every moral sense that I allow to speak when I have nothing else to do, there is a facet of basic mathematics that does not make sense here. Let us say that 10,000 people respond to this spam. This is likely an underestimate. Therefore, about 5,000 should win, and since the Playstation 3 costs $499 at its cheapest, they would end up paying approximately $2,495,000 for these Playstations. So, thus, I may expect to get, at most, a shiny box, plus the malware of my choice.

The next email tells me that, apparently, I have a pressing need for Viagra to enter my life. Now, I must admit that I was a bit incensed at this. Firstly, these people have not even bothered to identify my gender. Secondly, even if I were male, why do you assume I would need said assistance? Do you know me? How can you doubt my theoretical virility from that far a distance? This email is discarded without further ado.

I continued to skim through, but there was nothing novel, nothing original, nothing that inspired me to gaze into the depths of their virus-ridden souls. However, when I saw an email that offered me a free copy of Halo 3 if I replied within the next week, I grew interested. As a matter of fact, this game is the one object that I need to make my life complete. My life savings are going towards this game. However, as the game comes out on September 25th, I am forced to doubt the veracity of this claim.

I browsed further, but I gained no other fresh insights. I therefore emptied my spam box with all haste. However, checking my email the next day, I found 57 new spam messages. Their persistence is really quite admirable.

AotA signing off.