I was reading Dante’s Inferno, as my father has insisted that I must read more classic literature. He suggested many possible books, but I selected the Inferno because I wanted, among other things, to reserve my spot ahead of time, and thus reserve a nice bit of lakeside property, and perhaps even a swimming pool in the backyard.
Apparently, the first circle of hell is reserved for those who have not been baptized. I have no idea if I have been baptized or not, although I probably haven’t been. So, the first circle may, perhaps, be a good choice of abode. Also, it seems that there is a faint possibility of getting out of said circle after a while, so this seems a rather advantageous location. Still, I like to keep my options open, so I will consider the other circles as they come.
The second circle is for those who have been ruled by lust and libido. Apparently, they are continually blown about by strong winds. This circle does not appeal to me at all. Firstly, the last thing that I am ruled by is lust. On those days in which I get 3 hours of sleep, I am ready to swear that the thing does not exist at all. Of course, on those rare days when I actually get a sufficient amount of sleep, it is quite a different story, but I think we may safely discard this option. In addition, these strong winds seem to be indicators of frequent storms and suchlike, and tornados likely ravage the place. This is not a good spot to build a comfortable abode at all.
The third circle, the next stop on my journey, is for the gluttons of the world. As far as I can tell, they lie in mud being rained on, hailed on, and snowed on. As if this wasn’t irksome enough, they are also being consumed by a three-headed dog. This circle is no more promising than the last. I am not a glutton, although I enjoy good food and suchlike as much as anybody else, and the weather is nowhere near ideal. The rain might be all right, but from the given description, it seems to be acid rain filtered through a nuclear reactor. The hail and snow are right out. Therefore, let us cast this aside and head to the fourth circle.
Circle number four is for avaricious and greedy people, and they bash weights against each other. This seems, to me, more promising. I do not know if I am that greedy of a person, except when it concerns my personal funds, in which case there is no mercy. The noise might be troublesome from the neighbors, but it can be no worse than having roofers working on the house down the street. Pushing weights, after all, is quite good exercise and can build up the upper body strength. Circle number four is a definite possibility, although no mention of lakeside property is made.
The fifth circle is for those individuals filled with wrath. Their punishment is to fight with each other and rend each other to pieces. This circle seems to have possibilities, as I am rather wrathful at times, and I can generally hold my own in a decent fight. Also, they are indeed by the lake, although it is more of a mud hole, and this was my chief desire. This mud hole also holds within its depths the ranks of the depressed, as apparently they are sinful as well. They cannot speak, as they are continually being choked by the mud in their throats. This is a darker side of this circle, which previously seemed decent if a little rough. We also find people dripping with mud, who were arrogant in life and now have nothing to be proud of. I am ont This neighborhood is much more sinister than it appeared at first sight, and unless they start a Neighborhood Watch, I shall decline to reside here.
We get into the serious circles of hell…NEXT TIME!
Cue cheap suspense music.
AotA signing off.